Halloween Logistics

Tonight was the ward trunk or treat, so I've been thinking about the various transactions of Halloween. 

First, I go to the store, and exchange money for candy.  Other people do the same thing.  Then, I give the candy to other people, and other people give candy to my kids.  And here's where it starts to get stupid.  First off, we need to define the purpose of Halloween.  Any kid can tell you exactly what the purpose of Halloween is: get lots of candy.  Every single person who goes to the store and buys 30 pounds of little candy bars is admitting this.  Of course, we all know that this isn't actually good for you.  Candy is terrible, nutritionally.  You're kids will be sick, hyper and won't eat their broccoli.  We lament the fact that they have all this candy, when we (collectively) are the ones that handed it all to them.

Of course, not giving them candy simply isn't an option.  It's traditional, after all, and we're nostalgic for our own Halloween adventures collecting candy.  Also, I heard that the Jones' are giving out full sized candy bars this year.  I guess our only recourse is to take the candy away from them.  It is for their own good after all.  But stealing candy from babies and small children is a bad thing, so I guess we'll have to bribe them to give it to us.  To this end, we've invented yet another mythical being, the Switch Witch, who takes their candy and leaves them toys in exchange.  But that's just code for me going back to the store and exchanging more money for toys, which I will then exchange for my kids candy.

This has gotten complicated enough that it's time for a diagram.

Halloween has got to be the most confusing holiday we celebrate.  (And now that I've brought it up, what are we even celebrating?)  Anyway, this holiday has some inefficiencies built in to it.  Specifically, notice the triangle of red between me, other people and Julia & Ella in the diagram.  Candy makes the whole circuit, which means its redundant, and can be eliminated.  I buy candy, and then I just keep it.  The added bonus here, is that now there's nothing connecting my family to the 'other people' on the chart, so they aren't needed!  We don't have to traipse around the neighborhood collecting candy in the cold anymore!  Next year for Halloween, I say we just stay home.  I'll eat my enormous pile of junk food (just like every year) while my kids unwrap their presents.  It'll be just like Christmas!